Beauty Pageants: My Favorite Sport of All

After a month long hiatus I am back and better than ever, ready to kick off 2009 on a superficial note. I spent Saturday night the way any normal 21-year-old female would spend a weekend night, on the couch watching Miss. America 2009 on TLC. And ok maybe a half a bag of Doritos accompanied me.


Miss. Indiana. Guys, you can thank me later. Photo from Flickr.com

Call me sexist but I love a good beauty pageant. And personally, I hate this garbage TLC is trying to pull by making Miss. America a “reality show” and making the girls “modern” and especially letting America pick four of the top 15 finalists. Erroneous. I love old school Miss. America. I want big hair, big makeup, and ridiculous dresses. And let’s not even pretend it’s about the scholarships, it’s a beauty contest; ever notice that the “girl next door” or anyone from New Jersey never makes it to the Top 15? I rest my case. (And I can say that about New Jersey because I am originally from New Jersey, it’s a place, we just pick questionable people to represent our state). And a $50,000 scholarship for the winner? With most private colleges averaging around $33,000 a year, that's only going to cover roughly 3 semesters of college. Offer a full ride or to pay off all the winner's student loans and then we can talk about calling it a scholarship contest Miss. America corporation.


Miss. America 2008. I told you, blond, big hair, and beautiful always wins in the end. Photo from flickr.com.



But back to my theory that beauty pageants are the ultimate sport for both the viewer and the participant. For the participant there are the endless hours of working out to look flawless in a bikini aka the “swimwear portion of the event,” honing their art for the talent competition, practicing holding those goofy smiles (harder than it looks), quick changes (no one likes a wardrobe malfunction…they love it), and of course walking in heels (we all remember Miss Texas a few years back who ate it on stage). For the viewers it’s more of a mental strain, willing their favorite contest through to the next round and of course the emotional satisfaction and feeling of superiority when a girl’s thighs are less than perfect or when you realize that some of the Miss. America’s of 2009 were suffering from a bit of the butterface syndrome. It may have just been my ancient TV but the close up on some of the contestants looked less than stellar or maybe it was just TLC’s attempt on making them look “modern.”


Seriously did she raid Madonna's closet from the 80's? Photo from flickr.com



I think the best part about the sport of beauty pageants is that they have longevity and never really change. Call me crazy but I like a little consistency in my sports. There is rarely an upset and generally the principles of Darwinism and the survival of the, well, prettiest in this case, prevails. And, once I spotted angelic, big hair and heavily made up Miss. Indiana, Katie Stam, I knew that I was looking at the winner. This was furthered confirmed by the fact that she looked great in a bathing suit and “sang” for her talent because nothing is more generic than singing in a beauty pageant. Seriously, I would rather watch paint dry than listen to six girls sing mediocre (now Miss. Hawaii’s traditional dance was by far the coolest talent). The only major slip up was her dress. It was to the point where I silently prayed that the girl in the off the shoulder bad 80’s style wedding dress wouldn’t win but, alas, in the end, Katie Stam prevailed and won and proceeded to shake and cry (not ruining her makeup naturally, a sport within itself) and another Miss. America passed on her crown.


Alas, sweet victory. Photo from flickr.com

If I haven’t convinced you yet that Miss. America is the ultimate sport, let me leave you with this thought. Similar to Miss. America, other sports are based off of high intensity, energy, healthy competition, pushing yourself emotionally and physically, and unlike Miss. America, other sports such as hockey and football actually encourage fighting. But you want to know what is even harder than throwing insults across the 50-yard line or cheap shots on the ice? Being poised and nice. Miss. America is the end all be all test of fakery. 51 women will lose on that one night but they still have to stay composed and say nice things about their “newest bff’s” to Clinton Kelly in the “loser lounge” on stage, live, during the competition. Not only do these women have to look perfect, have the perfect talent, give the perfect 30 second answer to a randomly selected question, they have to act perfect as well.

So, congrats Katie Stam and the rest of the Miss. America contestants, I consider you among the great American athletes; you are like Michael Jordan, Derek Jeter, Tom Brady, only with more lipstick and a heck of a lot more Aqua Net. And while, I do love a good football game or a baseball day night double header, sometimes I like my sports with a little glitz and glamour on the side.