Why Bill Belichick Owes me $110

As I was sitting on the butterfly machine at my local YMCA this week, my friend Zach made a request.

"Don't write your blog on the Patriots again. They were on the cover of Sports Illustrated every week during football season. I'm sick of them." He then proceeded to give me other topics to write about. Topics that were interesting, and definitely more creative than writing about the stupid Patriots again.

Well Zach, too bad. The fact is that my boy Bill Belichick owes me money, and I'm pissed.

The scene of the crime was set three years ago in a dorm room at a branch campus of The University of Pittsburgh (yeah, I didn't get into the main campus at first, don't judge me). The Patriots had just embarrassed the Steelers in the AFC Championship game, 41-27. It was the second time in four years that the Patriots had dethroned the Steelers at home in the conference championship.

I'll admit, I'm a sore loser. As I lied on my dorm room floor for upwards of thirty minutes, I was a large tornado of anger, swirling about. (Thanks to Will Ferrell in Kicking and Screaming for that line.)

As I stood up, drunk with hatred towards the Patriots, I wasn't thinking clearly. So I did the only logical thing - punched a hole in my roommates bedroom door. But that didn't quite quench my thirst for destruction. So I took a few steps back, got a running start, and ran straight through the door, landing on the other side of the room.

We spent the next couple of weeks trying to figure out how we could hide it from room inspections. But eventually we just threw it out. Sure enough, at the end of the semester I got a bill in the mail for around $110.

I can hear you now, "But Joe, why should Bill have to pay your fine? You were the idiot that ran through the door." And you know what, up until last week I would have said that's a good point. But just a couple days ago news had surfaced that Belichick and the Pats had cheated during that game specifically. Therefore, I believe I should not be held responsible for my actions. (It took me eight paragraphs to get to the point. Terrible journalism.)

Had Belichick not cheated, the Patriots might not have won. Thus, I wouldn't have broken the door. Which means I would be $110 richer right now. So it's clear - Bill Belichick is responsible for anything I did in anger following that game.

If a minor gets into a drunken driving accident, is the bartender who served him not held responsible for his actions? Well this is the exact same thing. And the only way to be forgiven would be to send me $110. Check, money order, straight cash homey - it doesn't matter to me. All I ask is that I get the money I am rightfully owed.

So Bill, have your people call my people. Just make sure it's after nine because that's when my free minutes kick in.