Performance Enhancers And You

I've avoided the steroid talk for so long. Sure, I've discussed Barry Bonds, but that's just because he's my man crush. The truth is I have avoided it because I wasn't really sure whose side I was on. Believe the players who deny it to the death? Or cheer for the government getting involved and punishing those who they can catch?

Well I chose neither. I say keep steroids and HGH in baseball.

Now I'm not stupid, I understand why they want steroids out of baseball. They are bad for your body, they are unnatural, they set bad examples for children, etc. But I think it's much more simplified for Major League Baseball. They don't want steroids in the game because they are performance enhancers. Records are being erased and then re-written every season. This is simply unacceptable for a league that prides itself on its history and records.

But why? What is so wrong about wanting to enhance your performance? Isn't that why people take Viagra? And since we are on the subject, what else can be considered performance enhancers? Coffee gives you a false sense of energy (just to send you to the bathroom in an hour - or maybe that's just my IBS acting up). Does that mean everyone who tries to enhance their performance at work with a cup of joe should be considered a cheat?

Strippers get breast implants so they can better serve the gentlemen of their community. Should the stripper union punish them? Hell no. They should be rewarded with a fresh one dollar bill folded in half.

What about the music business? Do you think Snoop Dogg would be where he is today without smoking six blunts a night? Snoop without dope would be like the Cavaliers without LeBron. Boring as soup. You could even go back in history. I'm pretty sure The Beatles were high as a kite 99% of the time, and they created some of the most influential music of any generation.

Seriously though, doesn't it seem ironic that players get punished for wanting to become better? If there was a supplement out there that would make me a better writer I would take it in a heart beat, even if it did cause my ball point pens to shrink.

I think it's time baseball just accepted the steroid era instead of embarrassing themselves by parading out in front of congress to see who can lie the least. They will never get full cooperation from the players union. It will never go away. Just move on.

Now I'm not condoning the use of dangerous drugs at all. I just think that if they can be taken safely, as people such as Victor Conte seem to think, then why the fuss? Wouldn't you rather it be done safely with a doctor instead of in the back of someones van?

Jose Canseco thinks that steroids can be monitored safely. I mean look at Jose, arguably the most famous steroid user ever. He still looks good. The only thing wrong with him is he twitches like he just stuck his finger in an electrical socket. But you know what, my Uncle Vinny twitches like that too and I still love him.

Maybe baseball should instead shift its focus to the performance dehancers, like alcohol. It destroyed Mickey Mantle, who could have been the BEST player ever if he didn't have the liver of my Uncle Vinny (maybe that's why he twitches so much?).

They also talk about how it sets a bad example for the young ball players. Which it does, you can't argue that. But so does beating your wife, or driving drunk or even chewing tobacco. (Have you ever seen Big Papi during a game? He looks like he's got John Kruk stuck in his cheek.)

So while millions of people are saying performance enhancing drugs killed baseball, I couldn't disagree more. They saved baseball. Without them we would be stuck watching Ben Grieve win MVP after MVP while batting .267 with 13 home runs. Barry Bonds could hit 13 home runs over one weekend.